community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
