Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
