shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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