ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
