Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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