i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
