people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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