that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
