My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
