my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
