woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
