Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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