My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
