I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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