im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
