I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
