i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
