He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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