That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so let's talk penis.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
