It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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