I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Randomize
