the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
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So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
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If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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