Acid is not a monday night drug
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
