I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Houston, we have a blender
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
