You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Why is there bacon in the couch?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
