As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
