I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
