She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize