i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
