You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
