god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
