On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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