The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
