i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
