i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Sorry about my life...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
