my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
