I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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