why didn't you poke me back
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
