So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
