Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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