I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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