You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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