Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
