I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
