Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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