i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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