I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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