dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
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yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
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Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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