I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
