after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
