I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
