we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
