so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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