i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
