Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
