Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
