i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
