you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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