god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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