My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
