did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
