he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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